Bridging The Gap In Relationships

A few years ago, Dr Robert Waldinger, Director of the Harvard Study of Adult Development, gave a talk where he presented a study, one of the longest and most comprehensive, on the factors that determine long term well-being and healthy aging in adults. In his TED talk in Boston, now watched by millions of people worldwide, he began by asking: 

What keeps us healthy and happy as we go through life? If you were going to invest now in your future best self, where would you put your time and your energy? 

And the answer? Based on more than 75 years of research, following individuals from varied backgrounds for seven decades, including a teenager who went on to become the President of the United States: Good relationships keep us happier and healthier. 

As simple and straightforward as that. Not money, not fame, not achievements. In his own words, “the good life is built with good relationships”. 

This may not come as a total surprise to many of us. In fact, you have probably noticed how relationships can have a major impact on your experience of life. Strong relationships that are built on a foundation of love, gratitude and connection can bring a deep sense of meaning and fulfillment to our lives. It can have a protective impact on our body and brain, mind and being. 

How do we enrich our relationships?

So, given that relationships play a crucial role in our overall well being, what can we do to enrich our relationships? Because relationships, though they have the potential to bring great joy and meaning, can also be a source of great misery. They can be complicated, demanding, chaotic, and difficult. They require lifelong effort. 

For those of us who are willing to do the work, relationships can be a profoundly rewarding experience. For those who are not willing, hurts and frustrations can creep into the relationships, creating a sense of distance, making us feel more lonely and sad. 

Getting back to the question, what we can do to enrich our relationships, the plain answer is: take responsibility for our state of being and learn how to live with a deep sense of inner freedom and connection.  

We can explore this answer in a variety of ways. In this article, we will take one aspect. The ability to be present. To yourself, to life around you, and to your loved ones. 

What does this mean and how can it impact the quality of your relationships? Let’s explore. 

Being present is a key component in cultivating quality relationships

To be present is to be attentive. It is to pay attention to the details of your experience. 

To be present to yourself is to be attentive to yourself, to what is happening in your body, mind and being. 

To be present to life around you is to be attentive to all that you see, hear, smell, taste or touch. 

To be present to your loved ones is to be attentive to their experiences and expressions. 

When you know how to be present, you can easily bring greater love and sensitivity into your relationships. For instance, if you can listen wholeheartedly, your loved ones will begin to feel genuinely heard. They will sense that they have your undisturbed attention. 

When you embrace your partner, play with your child, or engage in a discussion with your colleagues, they will be able to see that you are truly with them, body, mind and being. They will realize that your presence is not tepid, that you bring your entirety into every experience. 

This kind of attentiveness will make you more sensitive to the needs of your loved ones, you will be able to better understand their dreams and expectations, their fears and frustrations. You will be able to go beyond their words or actions and sense their state of being. You will naturally be more empathetic. You will also be more appreciative of their role in your life. And if you face some challenges in your relationships or at work, you will be able to fully focus on them and arrive at effective solutions. 

Just take a few moments to reflect on your relationships. Observe how often you are truly present, and for how long, before you become lost in your own thoughts? Think about this - if you are not present, how would you really understand where someone is coming from, what their expectations are, or what they might be going through? 

What stops us from being present? 

To be present, you have to be still within. If you are feeling restless, if your inner world is chaotic, and noisy, there will not be any stillness. 

For you to be still within, you have to be at peace and experience a sense of freedom inside. If you are preoccupied with some form of stress or frustration, you won’t be at peace. Consequently, you will lack inner stillness and find it difficult to be present. 

Unfortunately, most of us are habituated to being preoccupied, mentally and emotionally. Often the preoccupation is with a challenging or problematic situation. We tend to get lost in thought, analyzing the problem or the people involved. Going over the same instances again, and again. Planning what to do or not to do. Ruminating over all that occurred. Judging or justifying. Obsessively thinking, formulating, in an attempt to fix or solve the problem. Projecting possible future scenarios. Moving into anxiety or anger. Worrying. Getting worked up. 

Sometimes, we may not even be aware of how preoccupied we are. For instance, you might get distracted as you are watching a movie, and suddenly realize that you missed a few scenes. Or you may lose track of a conversation. Or go on autopilot as you engage in some activities. 

Psychological preoccupation can lead to disconnection in relationships

If you remain preoccupied with your problems, obsessing over how you can change or fix things, you will have very little space to truly care or feel for another. 

At times, you may tell yourself that you are preoccupied because you care. For instance, “I love my children and that is why I cannot stop worrying about them”. But the reality is, during moments when you are stressed or worried, your children could be right in front of you, but your thoughts will distract you. You will not be able to give your undivided attention to your children. 

While this is natural and bound to happen to all of us, where we become preoccupied and lost in our thoughts from time to time, if it repeats often, it will hinder our ability to cultivate deeper, more enriching moments of connection in our relationships. And our loved ones, in turn, will sense it. 

Ultimately, the question each of us must ask ourselves is - what is it we want, what is our intention for our relationships, what factors will support us and what will hinder us, and finally, what are we willing to do about it?